The Side-Hustle Dad

Ep35
===

Emergency Brake Moment
---

​[00:00:00]

Bryan Steele: Picture a typical side hustle scenario. Kids are in bed, you're sitting at the kitchen table, you've got the laptop open, you're working on something for a client.

They said they needed it by the morning, so you're just real quick gonna pound it out, finish it up, and send it over to them. And your wife sits down across the table from you and she says, "I need you to stop." Way back when we began this series, we put in an emergency brake, and now she's pulled it. What do you do next?

What happens next? I think [00:01:00] a lot of times when we are building these businesses, casting this vision for the future, we don't stop and think that there are going to be some hard seasons along the way there's going to be some situations we didn't foresee. I think it's important to address those head-on. And so over these next couple of episodes, we're gonna be talking about some of those specific scenarios. And today, she pulled the emergency brake. What do you do next?

Why Stopping Is Safety
---

Bryan Steele: Now, when we put in the emergency brake, it's important to realize that it was a part of a safety net.

When she says, "I need you to stop," this is what you put in place working. This is the communication, this is the safety net system to make sure that your family was protected, that you're not going out on a limb unrestricted and just trying to make things happen. This was [00:02:00] put in place to make sure that nothing went out of control.

So this is a feature. Don't look at this moment as a failure. This is an opportunity Your wife agreed to this knowing there was going to be the possibility she might need to pull this lever. It was one of the reasons she potentially said yes, because I guarantee you she had objections to you starting a side hustle, and this is one of the things you put in place.

So when she pulls it, that's good. The alternative is something continuing for months or possibly even years, continuously wreaking havoc on your marriage, on your family, until the system just can't take it anymore and it explodes on you. And this gives you an opportunity to address it head-on and provide corrective action.

If you treat this moment as [00:03:00] your wife betraying you Then you'll lose both the business and your family in the process. If you treat it as information, something to learn from, you can grow in the process. So remember, she didn't pull the emergency brake on you. Ignore your initial visceral reaction to that.

She pulled it for you because she is an outside observer and is seeing things that you are not currently seeing, and she's got to pull that brake. So what I want you to hear is what she's protecting.

What She Is Protecting
---

Bryan Steele: When you started, you said, "I wanted to create some financial freedom for my family. It's for these specific goals.

It's to achieve these dreams that we've got," and those are admirable, but it's costing something in the process. It's not about the business itself. The business may be [00:04:00] doing great, in fact. It's about what the business is taking away. And what your spouse is communicating to you in these moments is that you are more valuable elsewhere.

You are needed more in other places. The money is not the biggest challenge. Your presence as a husband, your presence as a father, it's your time. She's basically saying, "This money is not the most important thing anymore. There are other things that should be taking a priority that this business is costing us, and we need to reevaluate that."

That's why she's pulling the emergency brake. So you've got to look at those objections. Is there some sort of scarcity with your time? Is there consistency in the way you show up? Is there financial safety? Like, are you l- does she not even know how the business is performing? Are you not [00:05:00] communicating that regularly?

Where are you at? And then what's happening with the invisible work? When you're off building this business, what work is she potentially having to pick up to compensate for that fact? Is it the bath time? Is it homework? Is it dishes? Is it Ubering the kids around to their thousand activities? What's it costing?

What's it costing her?

Get Curious Not Defensive
---

Bryan Steele: And so you need to get really curious about what it is that's driving the decision to pull the brake. What is the thing that the business is costing? ~So-~ "I need you to stop," can mean so many different things. And so when we hear that, we have to get curious. We have to think carefully around why that statement was made, what is going on.

And while it may be completely [00:06:00] blindsiding you when you hear that statement, it's been rattling around in their head for weeks, months. It's slowly built up. So while it's the first time you've heard it, for them, for her, it's the last time, because she's finally said it out loud, and she's pulled the brake.

Personal Story T Shirt Stop
---

Bryan Steele: I remember when we pulled the brake, my wife and I, when we pulled the brake on our T-shirt business. My wife was in charge of social media, and while this wasn't something that we were doing independently and she asked me to stop, she was involved in the process, it was just draining her, and she knew it, and it wasn't working.

And she was like, "We just have to stop. This isn't, this isn't what we wanted. This is not... It was not the fun business that we could build together." And so we said, "Okay." We looked at it, we took a step back, we evaluated, and that was the reason to stop. It was [00:07:00] not a personal attack. It was not an indictment on my character, and it's the same way for you.

Do not take these things as personal attacks, no matter how much they may feel like it. They are not. You are valuable. It's just you are more valuable in ways you're not getting to exercise your role in the family because of the time and energy that's going into the business So you have to ask the question, what does that mean when you say, "I need you to stop"?

Is that because she's handling all the bedtimes? It's the burden of meal prep. It's the house is a disaster. I can't keep it clean. What are those things? What are the things that are taxing her in the process? Resentment creeps in slowly. We w- because we've put in this mechanism, we can stop it more quickly because that lever got pulled.

We don't want it to, to go over [00:08:00] time.

First Hour Close Laptop
---

Bryan Steele: So kinda talked about the why and how the lever got pulled, and a little bit about being curious, but now I wanna talk about your specific response. So the first thing to do, you know, picture our scenario, sitting at the table, at the kitchen table working. Your first thing to do is what happens in those next 48 hours.

The first task is to close the laptop. Stop immediately. Not in five minutes, not in 30 minutes, not tomorrow. Right then. Nothing is more important than that moment, responding to the emergency brake pull. Close it down. Stop. We'll talk about what to do next, but right in that moment, you say, "Okay, I'm stopping right now."

And then don't jump into the [00:09:00] conversation unless she's really ready to have it. We wanna give a little space. If that's, "Hey, let's, let's relax. Let's watch a show together. Let's go for a walk." Can be any number of things. Let's enjoy each other's company, whatever that moment is, or maybe it's a family time.

She says she needs you to stop. Okay, well let's do something with the family now. Let's sit down to dinner together. Let's play a board game. Stop immediately and walk away. In those first thir- first hour after that moment, you need to say, "You're right to say that. Thank you for telling me, and I'm stopping."

Those three sentences must come out of your mouth in the first hour. Maybe you don't wanna say them right away 'cause the kids are around, whatever, it's awkward, you're in public, whatever that might be. Maybe you can't say it in front of everybody. But in that first hour, say that. Affirm [00:10:00] that pulling the emergency brake was not only allowed, it was encouraged, and so she did it.

You want to validate that decision. Now No defense mechanisms. No, "Hey, somebody needs something from me. I need to do this." Nothing is more important that it needs to rise to that level. This is how you prove that the emergency brake worked. Okay? That is the first bit, first hour, period.

Day One Clients And Family
---

Bryan Steele: Now, on day one, after some time has passed, your first...

That's, that's day zero, right? Day zero is that first moment. Day one, you're going to send a message to all the clients which you are working with that week currently or are going to be working with over the coming week, and you just send them a very simple message. "Hey, something very important popped up with my family.

I'm not gonna be able to support you this week. I will get back to you next [00:11:00] week," or, "We will start working on X date. I'm just pushing back the schedule That is okay. You're communicating clearly. While it may be a little disappointing for somebody to not get something when they expected it, lots of people have families, and they know how important family can be, and they will be reasonable by and large.

And if they're not going to be reasonable about this, are they clients you really wanna have anyways? "

This is why you put in your agreements and your contracts the way that you've done it in the past. You're being transparent. People get mad when they don't get responded to, when somebody ghosts them. They don't get mad when you communicate clearly what's going on. Share with them the issue, bite the bullet, say, "This came up.

It's important. I will get back to you next week." Do that for all your clients. That's day one task. Second day one task: fully engage in the family during that time you would've spent with the business. Maybe [00:12:00] that's taking more time with the kids. Maybe that's picking them up from school. Maybe that's running some errands, doing some chores around the house.

Pick up your shifts. Support the household. Do your part. Be engaged. If that's spending time with your wife, going out for dinner, whatever those things might be, you need to own those opportunities and take advantage of them. That's the second thing you do on day one.

Day Two Hard Conversation
---

Bryan Steele: When you get to day two, you're gonna start the conversation You're going to ask your wife, "What's been the one thing that was hardest on you while I've been working on this business?"

Share that out loud. Is it because she feels like she doesn't know what's going on? Does she feel in the dark? She feel like she's carrying more load than she can handle? Ask those questions, and whatever you do, don't defend yourself. Be curious. Let's [00:13:00] go Ted Lasso on this moment. Be curious, not defensive.

Be curious. What are the things happening? What's the underlying things that she's seeing happen? Because there's unmet expectations. Anytime there's disappointment in something like this, there's an expectation she had that was not being met, and we need to uncover that, and we need to unearth it. And for her to be willing to share those things, she has to be vulnerable, which means you na- which means you need to stay curious and not put your guard up.

And it doesn't mean you take anything she says personally. Evaluate it, take it all in, and think consistently about it. Have those conversations, dive into it. That is day two task. Right? Don't have to do that on day one. That's day two. Let some time pass, and get into it. Understand what's going on.

Understand the drivers and the mechanisms that [00:14:00] caused her to want to pull the emergency brake on your side hustle once we've done this, the first forty-eight hours have done what we needed them to do. They've restored a little bit of connection and started to create some understanding of what's going on, of what caused the emergency brake to be pulled. You've lived up to your end of the bargain when she says, "I get to pull the brake," and you did.

So now we can say, "Okay, day two, done.

Rebuild Plan And Boundaries
---

Bryan Steele: Forty-eight-hour period is over." Now you can approach the conversation saying, "Hey, I appreciate that. That was good. Now that we've had some time to look at what it was that caused this to need to happen, what caused the things to need to stop with the business, I wanna start looking at rebuilding things.

What is it gonna take to rebuild trust over time between us, but within [00:15:00] the family? But also, what does it need to look like with the business?" And you go back to why you started. What was the motivation? Is that still the most important thing? Do you need these financial resources in your family? Does it still need to be pursued?

And there's lots of options that you've got, right? You can go a lot of different directions, and we've talked about some of these in the past. Does it mean fewer hours on the business, or you're gonna raise your rates and work with fewer clients, so you can make the same amount of money but not have as much time commitment?

Do you need to automate some things so that you're not having to do as much administrative work? Is that just the burden that's causing you to continuously go back to things late at night to clean them up? Does it mean a season off, which we'll talk about next week? Taking a summer off. Does it mean shutting it down completely?

All of those are [00:16:00] options on the table and need to be said. Don't leave them off. Understand in the perspective of the goals and what the issues were, how those can be navigated and addressed. And you're only going to be able to start that conversation outside of that forty-eight-hour window. Once you pass that, now you can start having that conversation.

What does it look to be able to rebuild this? And then once you've got a plan for how to proceed forward You go back and you put it in writing. "Hey, here's, here's what I'm gonna work on my business. This is what's gonna change. This is what I'm gonna need to make sure I'm doing within our family, within our relationship to strengthen that."

What do those things look like? And then at the end of it, you give the emergency break back. Before you ever go back to work again and start again, you give the emergency [00:17:00] break back. You know, because you're going to go talk to those clients, right? Now you've got a plan, and you're gonna go see them at the start of the next week and pick up where you left off, but now you know your new boundaries.

Maybe you need to communicate those boundaries to those clients just so they know what to expect, and that's okay. Share those things. Be honest about them.

Bigger Than Side Hustle
---

Bryan Steele: Now, this might not be about the side hustle at all. I want you to consider that for a moment. What you've got here might be something systemic within the relationship, and I'm not a therapist, and I don't know But if you suspect that might be the case, adopt the same delegation framework and go seek professional help.

Go find a counselor who can help you walk through some of these difficult conversations. Because ultimately, the reason we got into this, the reason we started the side hustle, was to serve our family, to give them more than what we've been [00:18:00] able to provide, to try and get ahead of some things, to achieve some goals, see some dreams, let our kids watch us strive for something new and take on new challenges and face our fears.

Those are all valuable things. But we don't want the process of pursuing those things to damage the most important relationships that we have, and that's an important thing to consider.

Closing Encouragement
---

Bryan Steele: I hope you'll join me again next week as we dive into some more of these difficult seasons you might face and really unpack what that looks like and how we, as fathers, proceed through them with intention, with conviction, with integrity.

I'll see you next time.

​ [00:19:00]